Getting Funky

And not in a good way. Blues=weight gain=blues.

Mom was here for a week, and we had a wonderful visit. I love my Mom! For years I couldn't say that. Growing up the way I did, I couldn't say that she loved me. But with my perspective as a Mom myself, I have so much more insight into the woman behind the Mom label. She had heart-wrenching grief and pain in her life as a child, and adult, and as a wife and mother. While I would never do the things that she did to me to my own children, I understand her now and better yet, I forgive. That has given me back a Mom whom I love so dearly! As a result, I miss her so terribly now that she is visiting my other sisters and then heading home.

I'm in a funk. Mom's gone. I'm headed for another fight with the schools and the other powers that be to help Alex get the therapy he needs. My house stinks...literally. I started cleaning the bathroom, and it was almost cathartic. As a Girl Friday, if I get in a funk and stop cleaning or caring, nothing gets cleaned or cared for, including me. The mounting piles of trash and scunge just make my mood worse and add to my mounting list of things to do. So, what is the answer to getting me out of this funk? Child labor. Yes, put the kids to work. And so I have--with a smile.

Friday task--finish scraping the rind off of things. Get happy!

My secret life

It is no secret that if something stands still long enough I will paint it, but the secret is how much I dwell on paint and decorating choices. Long gone are the days that this can be considered a hobby--it is now a passion (if not an obsession). I'm not saying this because I am about to repaint my bedroom for the 3rd time in less than 2 years. I'm not saying this because I dreamed that I was being chased by a giant paint roller last night. Okay, well, I guess I am saying it because of that.

I love to look a decorating magazines. And, 99% of the time, my TV is tuned into HGTV. I have posted rooms on Rate My Space. I still haven't gotten a 4.5 or 5 yet, but there's time...there's time. I rearrange furniture--all the time. My motto is, "I can't change other things about my life, but I can change the furniture!" Sometimes the simple act of shifting the sofa 3 inches further down the wall and carefully realigning all the pictures on the wall is catharic when the rest of my life is such a mess. Apparently I got the re-arrangement gene from my beloved grandmother. That must have made living in her house particularly interesting because my grandfather was and my uncle is blind. My own husband is oblivious, but at least he can see what he is tripping over! I get an added ego bonus when my children comment on my changes. Something as simple as wiping the dust off the end tables make them say, "Mom! It is bee-u-bee-ful!" (Guess I should combine my decorating efforts with more cleaning, huh?) They love it when I change things, and I love that they care!

So, Friday's challenges--Carry on! Again, focusing on my master bedroom. I'm allowing myself a tiny budget for fabric. I'm taking the dust ruffle that I have never used and making valances out of it. I want to band the edge of that fabric with a gorgeous print I found yesterday. Then of course, the room needs to be painted. It is my goal to have it completed by next Friday.

Weight loss challenge--Carry on! I lost 4.5lbs this week!

Need to go to my happy place, Forrest Gump style

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
(Or at least turn me into a lightning bug so I can crawl into a dark hole, hide for a while, and make my rather ample butt useful as a night light. But please make sure that there are no spiders in that hole 'cuz you know how I am about spiders. Amen.)

The day is only half-way through, and I feel like I have been pummeled. First, I had to drive into the city with all of the kids for an appointment. The city terrifies me! Then on to the allergist office where Alex freaked out about his shots. Then I came home to a pile of steamy, stinky dog barf all over my kitchen. Then, I went to Em's room to check on her and found her surrounded by the contents of an entire box of Gobstoppers that she was shoveling in her mouth by the fistful. ARG! Again, it is all my husband's fault. How you ask? I haven't figured that part out, but when I do, I'll let you know--but I'm sure it was him.
;0)

In the grand scheme of things, a day like today is no biggie. But, sheesh! Space all this crap out a bit! I also ate 4 chicken tenders, and I feel like crud. I guess that is a good thing--a few weeks ago I would not have stopped at 4! Eek!

Updates--diet is going beautifully! Decorating with no money just sucks, and I hate it! LOL!

A small taste of success!

As of this morning (and yes, I am a habitual weigher) I am down 3lbs. And yes, that includes tracking points on the Fourth! I love that I am making it my task to work on and for myself. I need to do this!

Speaking of tasks, I have been staying within my points. As far as my free-style decorating plan? Um, well, er.... Does it count if I spent money that I got by returning some stuff to the store that I didn't need? I didn't spend any extra money, so I feel like I can defend that. I spent all day outside yesterday painting a country French motif on my 1950's style metal closet doors. I had to buy some craft paint and decals, but that was it. I think when they are finished, they will look great!

Friday Task, week 2

So, was the answer up or down for the rest of today?

Up. Mostly. I'm fighting off something, so my defenses are low. But, no need to hide sharp instruments. Bring on the cold medicine and the Motrin!

Now, two updates. First, on the dieting side, I gained 1.5lbs. Some would consider that a negative, but I am determined to focus on the positive. Because of this gain, Weight Watchers is generously giving me 2 extra points per day because I am in a new (higher) weight bracket! Woohoo! Second, I did stick with my challenge last week of walking every day and journalling every bite. I think this is a really big deal, and I am proud of myself.

My task for dieting this week is to stay within my WW points. My task for me is to redesign my bedroom without spending any money. It must be clean and organized. Bring it on!

Everytime Two Roles Collide

I'm going to take some liberties with the song, "Everytime Two Fools Collide."

Every Time Two Roles Collide

They want things their way
And I want these mine.
And now I don’t know
Just where to draw the line.
How can I survive
If I keep choosing sides?
And who picks up the pieces
Every time two roles collide?

I lay the blame on me
So I can keep the blame off you.
Why do I keep finding faults
In everything I do?
How long can I keep these roles
So cut and cry?
Who picks up the pieces
Every time two roles collide?

I can save myself
I still have the time.
I know there must be a way
That I still haven't tried
To keep my heart from breaking
Every time two roles collide.

In the Disney animated movie, "Sleeping Beauty," there is a scene where two of the fairies, Merryweather and Flora, get into a duel over the color of Aurora's birthday dress. Flora only wants pink, and Merryweather only wants blue. They begin zapping everything in the room with Pink! or Blue! jets from their wands until the streams of magic meet and make a multi-colored mess all over Aurora's dress.

I feel like that dress today. My role as Mom to a special needs child is warring with my role as a woman who needs to take care of herself. The Special Needs Mom had a major set-back yesterday, and the Gotta Take Care of Myself Woman just wants to crawl back into bed forever--with a few bags of chips and a few gallons of ice cream. Everything is a mess. I don't know how to make peace or form a balance in my life when things go so wrong in one (or more!) areas. This is the point where I usually give up, but I don't want to! I want to go into the living room, scoop up a couple of kids and love on them. I want to smile as I eat a perfectly rationed bowl of low fat cereal. But I also want to do nothing because nothing I do seems to make a difference. I want to cry all day for the battles I'm facing for my son and for the 1.5lbs I gained this week. I want to tell my husband that it is not his fault even though I'm pretty sure most of it is. I'm tired of feeling so alone. I'm on the edge of a tailspin. I can go up or I can go down.

Negative Nellie

I woke up today to lots of negative thoughts. Give up. Forget the diet. You'll never lose weight. Immediately, I changed my thinking. I remembered the verse--I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do this. I can. I can. I can!

Then I got to thinking why I am a Girl Friday and not the star of my own show. It boils down to two things that I am lacking: confidence and consistency. I can go like gang-busters for about 48 hours, then the negative thoughts invade, something goes wrong, or I just wear down. Then I give up. It is easier to complain about my problems than it is to fix them. Fixing them is scary! It takes me out of my comfort zone! It deprives me of ice cream! I am afraid to give my all and fail. It is also easier to give my all to someone else--my husband, my kids. If they fail, then I am there to pick them up, comfort them, and encourage them to try again. If I fail, I am alone. (I know this is not reality because I have the most wonderful husband who loves and supports me.) So, I hide or I run away. This is only thing consistent about me--well that and the fact that I am consistently inconsistent. This is what I need to change, and I hope that by writing it all out, I can do just that.

I was also thinking about my parents. My Dad loved the song, "Wind Beneath My Wings." I think he saw a lot of himself and my Mom in that song. My Mom is the ultimate Girl Friday. Quietly, consistently, lovingly, she keeps things going behind the scenes. Don't get me wrong, she gets upset and downhearted, but she does what needs to be done. My dream for her is to some day do all the things she wants to do and is passionate about and let someone do for her for a change. Going back to the song, the opening line says it all:

"It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind."

I think the sentiment is beautiful, in that the writer eventually realized that she (big assumption there) was the reason he (another big assumption) was successful, but it also irritates me as well. Why can both share the light? Won't two shine brighter together?

Yesterday, I stayed OP all day. Seriously, all day. Today, I got on the scale--nadda. I know 24 hours of devoted dieting isn't enough to make a significant dent, but hey--throw me a bone! (Preferrably with meat still attached.) It doesn't help that I can no longer tell the difference between hunger pains and menstrual cramps. I do know one thing though...dieting hurts!

Today's GF task: facilitator (did someone say tator???) for the meeting between Emily and the new occupational therapist. I predict lots of screaming during this 3 hour meeting. I wonder if Emily will understand and try to be calm when I explain that I am in a delicate condition--you know, dieting and PMSing?