Ewwww! Honey, was that you?

So, I made dinner tonight. Yummy turkey, mashed potatoes, and green beans--a favorite on winter nights. Jason came home late, so I nuked his plate and he started eating in the kitchen. I smelled something funny, but I didn't want to embarrass him while he was eating so I said nothing. He left the room, and the air cleared. Life was good again. Fast forward about an hour, and I was sitting at my computer doing some work. Jason walked into the kitchen, and I smelled it again. Exasperated, I asked him, "Honey, was that you?" He replied, "Might have been. I don't remember." Ugh. Men. I explained to him that if it wasn't him then I had to search the kitchen for the culprit. He assured me it wasn't, and we set off to find the source of stinkiness. We found it inside the very bag of potatoes that I used to make my lovely, fluffy mashed side dish. Next time we watch "Labyrinth" I won't have to wonder how the Bog of Eternal Stench smells in actuality. I lived it tonight. Who would have thought that a small rotten potato could emit such putrid foulness? And the worst part--it leaked. I can handle almost anything as long as it doesn't ooze or stink. This did both. I nearly turned in my badge tonight. But, after lots of bleach and some therapy, I am going to be okay.

"God is not the author of confusion"

This was one of the main points in our pastor's sermon today. I feel like my life is full of confusion at times, and I shut down rather than sort it all out. So, if God isn't behind it and doesn't like it, then that means He has something better in mind for me...peace. Our pastor also said that women have an innate ability to sense danger in our families and especially with our children. Our inner smoke detector goes off when the little ones are mysteriously too quiet or when our older ones say, "Mom, I know you told me never to put the dog in the dryer, but..." However, our pastor cautioned us about constantly being alarmed over every little thing. Ugh. Arrow straight into my overly alarmed, unpeaceful heart. Isaiah 26:3 promises us that God will keep us in "perfect peace" when our minds are focused on Him. PERFECT peace. Oooo, there's that word again--perfect. What is nice to remember is that God doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He and everything that comes from Him is. Perfect peace. Now that is something I can handle.

Of course, peace isn't going to get my laundry done or scrub the crust out of my microwave. There will be fires to put out (hopefully not literally, but I have kids, so I'm trying to be realistic), boo-boos to bandages, and sibling fights to break up. I will still have the responsibilities I have now, but a measure of peace that flows from within might make every day more bearable. Peace will allow me to prioritize my life to get done the most important things first, leaving the rest to sort itself out. I am fond of saying, "Everything always works out one way or another." Worry, anxiety...they add nothing to this mix of life except pain, disappointment, and guilt. Enough already!!! I am promised perfect peace when I focus on the Lord.

Confessions of a furniture re-arranger

If you want visual proof of my mental state, come to my house for 7 consecutive days. If things are going well, the house will look about the same as always. If I am stressed--all deals are off. The couch could end up in the kitchen. (Well, we eat on the couch anyway and food and the kitchen go together, right?) The kitchen table might be sawed in half to make a desk. (In my defense, it does make a great desk!) The rest of the furniture might be turned over because the underside is prettier, the shelves function better at a slant. An end table might be moved over a fraction of an inch because symmetry is crucial to habitual furniture re-arranger.

There is something about moving a large piece of furniture all by myself. I push and push and eventually it gives. If it won't mold itself to my will, I have no problem attacking it with power tools. It is the best kind of therapy--intensely satisfying and cathartic. When things in my life aren't going the way I had hoped, I at least can change something. Often just a shift of a chair or hanging a picture in a new way is enough to break me out of my funk. I can't change many of life's circumstances, but I can change my environment and my attitude about everything.

Work is good for me. I have noticed that the times when I am the most stressed, I have spent too much time with my thoughts and not enough time with my cleaning supplies. This leads to a general pile up, which leads to more useless thinking, which leads to more pile ups. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be a great housekeeper. And that is okay, so long as I make sure I'm not growing a salmonella farm. There will always be a thin coating of dust, and a few dishes in the sink. Perfection is the enemy of good enough, and a happy household starts with a happy Mama who embraces her imperfections, knows that the Lord loves her despite her flaws. He doesn't require me to be perfect, just open to rearranging as the Lord sees fit. Sometimes that rearranging is painless--a slight shift to the right, and sometimes it is a full-scale, bring out the power tools overhaul. It definitely depends on my willingness to mold to God's direction.

In the words of Brandon Heath's song, Wait and See, "there is hope for me...He's not finished with me yet...I'm still wrestling with my fear, but He's up to something." Thank the Lord for that!

But...but...but...I have a spreadsheet to maintain!

October hits the family hard--barfing, coughing, and fevers. This definitely puts a wrench in my need to be organized regarding homeschooling. Yes, I will admit that I have a spreadsheet that I maintain weekly. I just love to check off each assignment as the kids complete it. Oh, let me be honest, I love creating and using spreadsheets almost, and maybe more, than I love office supplies. All of those little boxes of potential! All of those formulas to explore! I can merge cells, twist text, and create check boxes to my heart's content. But, when sickness hits, I am left with little unfilled check-boxes. I lay awake at night thinking things like, "Well, if I double up on history today, then I can have them do triple math tomorrow, then we will be caught up." Whoa. Caught up? To whom? Reality check, aisle 5! First of all, I need to remind myself that there is no rush, no competition, no prize for getting through an entire school year by March. Second, I am the Spreadsheet Creator! I can change the future with a few clicks of my mouse! Ah, the power!

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
I think there are so many reminders about having faith and trusting God in the Bible because we need those reminders...lots of them. Keep the faith. Run the race. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Some days that is the most difficult thing to do. Do I even know what it is like to trust someone with my whole heart? Could I imagine myself falling backwards into the arms of Jesus knowing without a doubt that He will catch me? Honestly, no, I can't imagine doing that. Yet. But I know as I read the Bible and read these reminders, it will become part of my nature to let go and trust God.

And lean not unto your own understanding
This is me in a nutshell. (Help! Help! I'm in a nutshell!) I've burned up the internet searching for answers for Emily's problems. I am trying to figure all of this out myself. I am having great difficulty handing this over to God. It seems that on days when I finally give it over, something new or worse happens, and I start the whole cycle all over again. This is really stupid, and I must stop it! Emily has competent, compassionate doctors sent to us by our loving God who cares about her and wants the best for her. This has to be enough! I know God is telling me to wait. To be patient. And to stop trying to figure this out myself. He has a plan. He knows in advance what will happen. I must find comfort in that!

Canon in D

This piece of music reminds me of all that is good in my life, and my cup overflows with love. Here I am, wife of the most wonderful husband, Mom to three incredible children, Stay-At-Home-Mom per my desire, homeschooler, and grateful friend of many. Are there problems? Of course. But, when I am listening to this music my thoughts dwell on the awesomeness of God who gives to all freely, and nothing is insurmountable. I wish I had adequate words to express the peace that I am feeling, and I wish I could bottle it up for times when peace seems far away.

I wouldn't trade places with anyone for anything. (Well, maybe for a kitchen floor that cleans itself!) In fact, I have waxed poetic:



On Motherhood

Tiny boat on a tiny stream
Take from me my childish dream
Help me embrace myself--I've grown
Into a woman I do not know.
Memories ripple on the water
And in the eyes of my daughter,
I see my old future, now my past.
Sweet innocence how I want it to last!
I want that time to replay
To undo some things so that I may
Find peace.

Tiny boat on a tiny stream
Teach me how to let this dream
Float away.

No more time for toys
My world is filled with fear and noise.
Peace is of reach.

The touch of her small hand
Brings me back to now and
I know that it is time
To let go.

Let it go.
Let peace flow.

Tiny boat on a tiny stream
We play, we love, we dream.
She is small for just a minute
Let our day and all that is in it
Be filled with her smile and her laughter
Now and ever after.
Spare her my mistakes and fears
And help me fill these precious years
With a life worthy to live
And enough to love to give
Children of her own.

Fun With Food--elimination, that is

Cutting out dairy, corn, and wheat is not an easy task. It is relatively easy to find wheat free, and maybe corn and egg free, but not corn, wheat, AND egg free products. I was thrilled to find a wheat free, dairy free, corn free rice bread in the organic section of the grocery store last night. A tiny loaf was about $5, but worth it if Emily would eat it. Today I tried one bite of the bread. After spitting it out immediately, rinsing my mouth, and gulping down some coffee, it still took about 20 minutes to get the filmy residue out of my mouth. Undaunted, I made Emily a peanut butter sandwich with one slice. I figured, "hey, what does a four-year-old know about taste and texture. Besides, anything coated in peanut butter should be at least palatable." How wrong I was! I handed Emily the sandwich, and she ran off happily, saying, "Oh...my...gosh! This beau-bee-ful!" I must admit, it was a pretty sandwich. This bread looks like perfection, slices like a dream, and readily receives the creaminess of the peanut butter. All of this belied the aggressively sawdust-like composition that awaited the unwary taster. About a minute later, Emily was a my elbow, sandwich filled hand extended. "This tastes yuck," she announced. Dollar signs flashed before my eyes, I am ashamed to say. "Don't you want to try just one more bite?" I asked with just a note of desperation. "No. YUCKY!" she exclaimed and ran off again. Sighing, I gave this very expensive failure to the dog. At least he liked it. Emily was back again in a few moments, stuffing something white into her mouth. She had gotten a baby wipe and was making desperate swipes at her tongue. "Ma! Wipe...it...off!" Laura walked in on the whole scene, and said, "Mom, I don't think that was real food." You know what? I think she's right.